now is forever

there is a sense in which eternity equals the present.

we can never directly experience the past or the future.  they don't "exist", though we can observe their effects in the present.

i've developed a very unhelpful habit of viewing the future this way — it's quite distracting.  for example, if i'm writing an email to a parent and i say something about continuing to discuss/interact "in the future", in the back of my mind i'm thinking "that's not true... we can't possibly interact in the future!!" we can only ever act in the present.

i'm at the point of the semester (thank God i can still think of life in terms of semesters) where my responsibilities have piled up to the point of paralyzation.  when i think about all of the things i have to do, i lose the initiative/ability to begin.  yet, the only way to finish is to start.

this paralyzation i'm referring to is connected to my last post about grading.  it's also connected to my post entitled "expectations matter".  ...in fact, i'm becoming more and more convinced that the secret to life is seeing the connections between things.  [every once in a while, i'll tell my students "THE secret to life".  i have a long list of little tips, but i always pretend like there is only one secret].

the real connection here is reading.  i love to read, but i have barely read at all in the last few months.  why? because i've been paralyzed by the amount and variety of books i want to read.  i've never been someone to read multiple books at the same time, but lately i've been trying to split time between 100 Years of Solitude, The Pacific, A War Like No Other, and The Brothers Karamozov.  stressful, and unproductive.  today, i chose to forget i had started all of those books and started a new book: Aleph.

it was a book Stefany (she just advanced to the next round of Olympic qualifying for beach volleyball for Guatemala, by the way) sent to me as a birthday present, and i chose to forget it's place in line, and just start reading.  i finished it today, too.  believe it or not, it fit right in with everything else going on in my head.  and, consequently, this post.

last year when we were about to graduate, there was a sense of urgency between the underclassmen and upperclassmen.  a realization that what we had would not, could not, last.  my group of seniors had a pretty solid group of freshmen that we spent a lot* of time with (*a lot, in comparison to most senior/freshmen relationships i suppose.  that is one of the beauties of Hillsdale..).  so one day, several (Aaron, Robert, Brian, Ralph, me) of us went to brunch at The Palace.  we were having a discussion about being proactive.  you can't be satisfied with talking about doing things, you have to actively make things happen.  at some point during this talk i decided to attempt to highlight my point/summarize everything by saying "later is now."  then, in the silence that followed, drive the point home:

"now is forever."

never mistake activity for achievment.

the quote is attributed to John Wooden.  it's about efficiency.  just because you're doing something doesn't mean that you're getting something done.

this is a problem i've had for a long time.  for example: i can decide to stay at work after school to catch up on things.  if i sit at my desk at school for four hours, but get one hour's work accomplished, how should i feel about that?  i should feel like i wasted three hours.  four hours of activity, one hour of achievement.

this is one reason why i operate almost strictly on deadlines — they force you to be efficient.  i have found no solution [correction: the solution is intermediate deadlines.  but they have to be legitimate.  you can't b.s. your rationality] to this problem in myself, and i'm slowly becoming convinced that it (among other things) will be my downfall.  i'm all about trying to isolate themes between successful people and normal people, and i'm pretty sure i'm in the "normal" category here.  i cannot create a sense of urgency when i'm trying to get things done, unless they HAVE to be done {side note: this is related to why i always always pack my schedule with activities.  subconsciously, i know i have to have outside  incentive to produce this sense of urgency.  well, i guess it's not subconscious anymore}.

 i always wrote papers last second in college.  and, i almost always got them done on time, and the on-time ones were almost always decent.  here's the scenario:
A) i can spend 30 hours writing this paper over the course of two weeks, and get a high grade.
OR
B) i can spend 10 hours the night it is due, and get a just above average grade.

it's all about the gain in efficiency vs. the loss in quality.  where is the balance?  it's not the same for everyone, but mine seemed to work out.

it's the same in the real world, but different.  how?  well, more than my GPA is at stake (okay okay, there are other factors to writing papers besides GPA).  just think of the children!!  oh, and there are less real deadlines.  uh-oh.

my real world version of a research paper? grading tests.

when i started, i loved the idea of giving tests.  you don't have to teach! just sit there while they write, and they're quiet!  from my current perspective, grading tests is easily the worst aspect of teaching,.

• i obsess over being fair. (who am i to be grading their work? what if i'm inconsistent?)
• i hate repetition/monotony. (try reading 71 7th-graders essays sometime)
• i have a focus problem already. (type 2 ADD, by my count)
• i always give too much feedback.  (while knowing it mostly goes unnoticed)

these things add up to be an enormous time commitment.  i've gotten better at making good tests.  a lot better. i've also gotten better at making tests easier to grade, while maintaining their quality of assessment. nevertheless, the last thing i want to do is sit down and grade tests for multi-hour chunks of my day.

another huge flaw of mine is building up projects in my head to the point where they seem so intimidating that i don't even know where to start.  with tests, i do this every single time.  the task appears so enormous that i couldn't possibly start working on them without committing a few hours of my schedule.  then, i'll sit there and stall and let time pass, mistaking activity for achievement.  "well, i spent two hours on those tests today..that's a good start."

in reality, if i broke up the work, it would take me a lot less time. and if i could perceive the amount of work as the size it really is, i wouldn't be so quick to procrastinate.  it's a cycle that's out of control.

as you can tell, i have this all figured out.  i went into this three-day weekend with over 100 tests to grade, and i assured myself that i would have them all done to hand back on Tuesday.

i haven't graded a single one.

this colossal failure, in light of a conversation i had tonight with Whittaker Dunn, has made me realize i need outside help.  i knew this was a problem coming into the semester, but i've been unable to change anything on my own...

i'm asking for prayer.  yeah, the classic last resort prayer, i know.  procrastination isn't the only thing i need help with.....

is this not real life?

want a challenge?  mentally reverse positive and negative space.  the atmosphere would a solid, and everything else is impressions in it.  no? try again... weird right?  which reminds me, you should really check out Zeno's paradoxes.  he's a Greek mathematician/philosopher who proved that motion is impossible, and part of his reasoning was that the universe is one single unit.  how could anything move if there isn't more than one.

why this, now? i'm about to talk opposites.

have you ever played beach volleyball?

i've always enjoyed it (it's been #2 behind basketball for a few years), but as i finish my second week of coaching, i've been struck by the realization of just how much i love it.  every aspect appeals to me, and i just figured out why.

beach volleyball is the opposite of the "real world".  think about it.

1) you're outside.  the comforting warmth of the sun's rays, a gentle breeze, birds chirping in the distance.
2) you're wearing comfortable clothes.  not only comfortable, but minimal.
3) you're active.  diving around in the sand, no less.
4) your approach must be informal. you're allowed to wear bathing suits for goodness sake.

everything about it is anti-cubicle, pro-living the dream.

live action shot!  i want to go to there.

in medieval history, we just finished working through The Song of Roland.  i had never read it in it's entirety before, but i'm a huge fan now.  i could tell you so much about it right now, for serious.  BUT the point is, in the epic, there is a very intentional balance between good and evil.  in the first half of the book, evil has the advantage, but in the second half justice prevails.  my connection is exactly that.  i'm loving coaching beach volleyball so much because it's balancing me out.  keeping me in the fight.

throughout my first several weeks of teaching in the fall, i would come home after school, change into a bathrobe, and have a corona.  i just couldn't take the fancy/restrictive clothing and everything being so serious. [side note: i recently wondered if i've worn a tie more times in the last 6 months than the rest of my life combined. it might be close].  that WAS my way of coping.  this is my new release, and i'm getting paid for it.

To respect for women

What's wrong with this picture?

I missed my weekend post (I fell asleep writing it), and I don't have time to finish it now.  Last night I did an ab workout and fell asleep on my yoga mat..so I woke up at 4 a.m. today, on Valentine's Day, to finish everything.

As a make-up post, here is a quote from "A Soldier of the Great War", by my current favorite author, Mark Helprin:

"When you walk through the city in the morning, what do you think about?" Alessandro asked his father.

"Many things."

"Do you think of the city itself?"

"No.  I used to, but I've had a profession for a number of years, and it has mastered me.  A profession is like a great snake that wraps itself around you.  Once you are enwrapped, you are in a slow fight for the rest of your life, and the lightness of youth leaves you.  You don't have time, for example, to think about the city as you are walking through it.

"Unless you make it your profession."

"Then you're an architect, and you're always thinking of how to get clients."

"But what if you were to choose the profession of looking at things to see their beauty, to see what they meant, to find in the world as much of the truth as you could find?"

"For that you need to be independently wealthy."

"What about a professorship?"

"Of what?"

"Aesthetics."

"Aesthetic?" the father asked. "That's ridiculous.  You'll live like a slave for twenty-five years.  Better to go into the Church."

"I would rather die than live without women," Alessandro said.

I love this book, and this conversation especially.  First of all, the idea of the lightness of youth.  I'm obsessed with finding a way to maintain a child-like wonder about and interest in the world we have been given, and I'm determined to fight this "great snake" as Alessandro's father describes it.  That ties into the picture above.  If you don't think that's funny, I think you've lost the battle.

It also addresses practicality.  Being a truth-seeker is great, but in order to survive/accomplish anything, you need capital.  That usually means money, which means working.  This ties into a running conversation I'm having with a couple 7th-grade boys... They are the type who like to ask "Why are we studying this?"  "How is this going to help me in life?" and so on.  It's been frustrating, because I actually have whole conversations with them where I explain exactly why (from a few different perspectives, even), and they will agree with my reasoning, then they will ask the same question a few weeks later.  These boys are all about sports and video games, and they think if adults just left them alone to do what they want, they would be happy.  

A few of them come hang out with me in the mornings when I'm supervising the 5th-graders.  My newest response for them today is going to be this: "Okay, I get it.  You'd rather be somewhere else.  Do you think the thing that I want to be doing most in the world is sitting here explaining the same thing to you over and over?"

They will have to realize the answer is "no" (possibly a mind-blowing concept — adults would often rather just have fun too?!), and hopefully it will lead to a good conversation about the way the world works, duty, responsibility and so on.  

Lastly, the conversation addresses women.  I love Alessandro's response to his father's suggestion.  He makes the jump from the Church to women without a moment's hesitation.  He's clearly thought about this before.  I'm tempted to agree with him.  

Here is where I draw a connection between between booty, respect for women, truth-seeking, and Valentine's Day........maybe I'll come up with something later in the day?

Did you know that today is also the state of Arizona's hundredth anniversary?

my kids

is it weird to refer to them like that?

i think i use the term more often than most.  even when i was in high school, i would talk to my parents about "the kids" (meaning my younger brothers).  now, i call my students my kids.

in the realm of unexpected benefits of teaching..

you learn to deal with kids.  i mean, junior high is notorious (so i hear) for trouble-makers.  if you think about it, they are at the peak of immaturity.  they are at the place in life where genuine childhood immaturity intersects (intersex, ha) with perverted teenage immaturity.  you can't get any more immature.

i'm convinced you have to identify with people in order to understand them, and you have to understand them to identify with them.  the same goes with kids.  if you can see where they are coming from, you can get along with them, and, if you can get along with them, you can teach them.  this ability is being developed in my approach as a teacher, and is going to come in handy if i ever have children...

speaking of benefits of teaching, when i give my future girlfriend my resume, you KNOW when she reads "junior high teacher" she going to SEE "good with kids".  win.  she'll probably also see "poorer than i'd prefer"...

back to my kids.

i have favorites.  i have this whole theory about how favorites exist by definition (because of human nature), even in parents/children relationships.  don't wince! it's okay.  it's possible to have favorites without loving one more than another, or giving special treatment.  and favorites can change.  incentive, anyone?

with no particular connection, here are a few student anecdotes:

one of my seventh-grade girls is an average student, mildly delinquent, and loves college football.  one day she asked me to come throw a football around with her and her friends after school.  i did.  weeks later, during the parent-teacher conference, her mom brought it up.  apparently, this girl's dad died a few years back, and i had made her day by playing catch.  this changed my entire approach to her.  a great example of how parent-teacher conferences can be helpful in ways that aren't even intended...  i've gone out to play catch at least once every week since then.

after my soccer team lost in the championship game last week, i was frustrated, but resigned.  after we slapped hands with the other team, i just wanted to wrap up and get out of there.  as we were walking back to the sideline, i turned to find one of my seventh-grade boys crying next to me.  almost instantaneously, i started to tear up.  i was really unprepared for that reaction, and it really hit home how important it was for me as a coach to react positively in the aftermath.  it was also embarrassing, because i had to go accept the 2nd-place trophy while trying not to cry.

what a disjointed post.

opportunity lost, niche found

i don't want to dwell on our recent loss in the championship.  instead, i'm going to tell you about a realization i had in the aftermath.

a few families on the girls' team put together an end-of-season soccer party.  the invitation included tales of a large backyard for the kids and hints of alcohol for the adults.  sounds like a good time for everyone, but at the same time, it's a scenario that a young coach doesn't necessarily fit well into.

think about it.. i'm definitely going to be tempted to dominate some of my boys out on the full-basketball-court, but i'm also going to want to drink and socialize.  i'm stuck in the middle.

it would have been easier to skip it, but i decided to go.  i wanted to support the idea of families getting together and celebrating the great season we had, and i wanted make sure my kids were moving on, while showing them that i was too.  i'm of the opinion that it's really good for teachers/students/parents to interact with each other in non-school environments, for the most part.  that's one reason why i've enjoyed coaching so much, in fact..

the girls' coach had truck trouble, so i went solo, showing up about an hour late for a 6-9 party.  during the course of the party i had several really great (and lengthy) conversations with parents on a variety of topics (the championship game, classical liberal arts, soccer, Hillsdale, the Dark Knight, Oberon, etc.) but interspersed with the serious stuff was officiating pogo stick challenges, jumping on the trampoline, playing basketball, drinking beer (just a couple!) and the like.

hilarious, right?

as the party was winding down, i found myself having a conversation with a table of mostly 8th-graders about their future.  specifically, where they were going to high school.  it's coming to the point in the year when they need to decide, and quite of a few of them were considering other schools.

this isn't the first time i've addressed this subject with junior high students.  i'm generally aware of who's staying and who's leaving, and i've even arranged a few one-on-one meetings to discuss their reasoning.  even in a few cases when kids had already decided to leave, i just wanted to hear why, so i can understand the general rationale.

there are certainly legitimate reasons why Scottsdale Prep wouldn't be a good fit for certain kids.  the one i hate to hear is athletics.  we're a really young school, and if we lose most of our star student-athletes every year, it will only serve to re-enforce the cycle.  this 8th-grade class is particularly loaded with talent, and i mean that in both the "student" and "athlete" sense of the word.  we do have a lot of great kids staying, and i'm trying to encourage the movement.  it has to start somewhere.

so back to my realization.  during this conversation i had with them, they were asking me incredibly insightful questions about their decision and how it would impact athletics and college choices, and they were actually listening to my answers.  thankfully, i had decent answers.

the realization?  this is my niche.  i am a nerdy jock, and i'm in that rare window where my students can (not always do, but are able to) both respect and identify with me.  life is about finding your niche, because that's how you maximize your impact.  leverage.  the intersection of passion and ability, all of that stuff.

the best way for me to help legitimize my school is by helping with athletics, and the best way for me to help with athletics is by influencing our junior high athletes to stay.  when i say influence i do not mean brainwash or pressure, but simply to do my best to make sure they are considering all the (correct) information in front of them.  i do realize that persuasivity (especially from someone in a position of power) can be abused.

being a great teacher is a lot more than just what happens in class.  i need to work on nearly every aspect of teaching, but one thing i know is that i care about these students, and this school.   i have a whole-hearted investment in Scottsdale Prep, and i truly believe in the classical liberal arts charter school movement, but it all starts at the individual level.  my niche.

a problem .desrever

i get bored easily.  a lot of the weird things i do are just to keep myself entertained.  i can't stand predictability.  things like having "Terrible Tie Tuesdays" (self-explanatory, i would hope), or changing my facial hair weekly are really just attempts to keep things interesting.  one of the many great quotes by Winston Churchill is "I like things to happen; and if they don't happen, I like to make them happen."

i enjoy being weird, and on one level i don't mind having a restless mind.  it's also a weakness, though..

this trait is the primary reason why i never seriously considered being a teacher up until about two weeks before i was hired to teach.  i couldn't get past the idea teachers teach the same thing over and over.  i would hate that, right?  i dislike re-telling interesting stories to my friends who are interested in the story!  how could i ever tell less-interesting "stories" that i'm less-interested in to an audience who has less interest?  not only that, but i don't like explaining!! i know that, and yet i still decided to teach junior high! voluntarily!

yeah, it's a weird thing to get hung up on.  i've already covered that angle.  after graduation, when i reconsidered teaching, i forced myself to think beyond the initial snag and get to other aspects.  ultimately, i found enough draws to decide to give it a shot.

here's the thing.  it hasn't been a problem, at all.  when i was imagining the situation, i wasn't accounting for the fact that the classes i teach will be composed of students.  students who are humans.  humans are inherently interesting (they are all different!).  ..(note the difference between "people" and "humans" here..you're probably less comfortable with me saying "humans", for whatever reason...yet, i still want to use it).. meh, i have reservations about calling 7th-graders people, anyway.

i also underestimated the power of the Socratic method.  when you let the students have some control over what direction you take, no two classes will ever be the same.  i'm frequently amazed at how differently one section of students will approach certain material compared to other sections.  each section has its own distinct personality, yet they remain unpredictable.  i think i'll come back to the idea of a class "personality" later.  it's something i observed even at Hillsdale, when the "class" was several hundred students.  how big can a group be before they lose the ability to have an identity?  how do they get that identity in the first place?

the biggest surprise?  given my tendency of self-examination and drive to pursue perfection, i'm actually enjoying teaching three sections of the same subject every day.  it gives me a chance to learn from my mistakes and make improvements every single day (note that i said "chance" — i don't always take advantage).

on an ununrelated topic, i'm going on a "diet", just until leap day.  the paleo challenge (eating like a caveman).  the reason?  it sounds difficult, and possibly healthy.  and, not only will it be challenging to stick to it, it will also add a "fresh" entertaining aspect to each day.