this is a problem i've had for a long time. for example: i can decide to stay at work after school to catch up on things. if i sit at my desk at school for four hours, but get one hour's work accomplished, how should i feel about that? i should feel like i wasted three hours. four hours of activity, one hour of achievement.
this is one reason why i operate almost strictly on deadlines — they force you to be efficient. i have found no solution [correction: the solution is intermediate deadlines. but they have to be legitimate. you can't b.s. your rationality] to this problem in myself, and i'm slowly becoming convinced that it (among other things) will be my downfall. i'm all about trying to isolate themes between successful people and normal people, and i'm pretty sure i'm in the "normal" category here. i cannot create a sense of urgency when i'm trying to get things done, unless they HAVE to be done {side note: this is related to why i always always pack my schedule with activities. subconsciously, i know i have to have outside incentive to produce this sense of urgency. well, i guess it's not subconscious anymore}.
i always wrote papers last second in college. and, i almost always got them done on time, and the on-time ones were almost always decent. here's the scenario:
A) i can spend 30 hours writing this paper over the course of two weeks, and get a high grade.
OR
B) i can spend 10 hours the night it is due, and get a just above average grade.
it's all about the gain in efficiency vs. the loss in quality. where is the balance? it's not the same for everyone, but mine seemed to work out.
it's the same in the real world, but different. how? well, more than my GPA is at stake (okay okay, there are other factors to writing papers besides GPA). just think of the children!! oh, and there are less real deadlines. uh-oh.
my real world version of a research paper? grading tests.
when i started, i loved the idea of giving tests. you don't have to teach! just sit there while they write, and they're quiet! from my current perspective, grading tests is easily the worst aspect of teaching,.
- i obsess over being fair. (who am i to be grading their work? what if i'm inconsistent?)
- i hate repetition/monotony. (try reading 71 7th-graders essays sometime)
- i have a focus problem already. (type 2 ADD, by my count)
- i always give too much feedback. (while knowing it mostly goes unnoticed)
these things add up to be an enormous time commitment. i've gotten better at making good tests. a lot better. i've also gotten better at making tests easier to grade, while maintaining their quality of assessment. nevertheless, the last thing i want to do is sit down and grade tests for multi-hour chunks of my day.
another huge flaw of mine is building up projects in my head to the point where they seem so intimidating that i don't even know where to start. with tests, i do this every single time. the task appears so enormous that i couldn't possibly start working on them without committing a few hours of my schedule. then, i'll sit there and stall and let time pass, mistaking activity for achievement. "well, i spent two hours on those tests today..that's a good start."
in reality, if i broke up the work, it would take me a lot less time. and if i could perceive the amount of work as the size it really is, i wouldn't be so quick to procrastinate. it's a cycle that's out of control.
as you can tell, i have this all figured out. i went into this three-day weekend with over 100 tests to grade, and i assured myself that i would have them all done to hand back on Tuesday.
i haven't graded a single one.
this colossal failure, in light of a conversation i had tonight with Whittaker Dunn, has made me realize i need outside help. i knew this was a problem coming into the semester, but i've been unable to change anything on my own...
i'm asking for prayer. yeah, the classic last resort prayer, i know. procrastination isn't the only thing i need help with.....
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