As free as you'll ever be

When you make decisions, many of them are influenced by who you are with, or even those in the same environment.  One of the understated difficulties of teaching is that it requires an awareness of the mindset of every person in the room.  A good teacher has a relative awareness of who is engaged or not, and why or why not. For P.E., that's 50 students. 

This is exhausting.

I never realized how abnormally autonomous and independent I was until I joined a fraternity.  All of a sudden I had to sit though inefficient meetings and accept group decisions that I disagreed with.  My decisions now had to account for a larger group of people than ever before, many of which I had never consciously chosen to be a part of my life.

I'm somewhat in tune with how the people around me feel, and I try to act accordingly.  It's not always inconvenient to adjust my decisions to suit other people or a group, but I'm aware of when it happens.  It's a normal part of life.

Spending three weeks alone in Brazil last summer was the most exhilarating freedom I've ever experienced.  

All that weight, all that awareness, gone.  There were times when it was more intoxicating than others, and there were times when I got lonely, but it was incredible.

Can you imagine a day where you are unaccountable to anyone for anything?

My every decision was mine alone.  Every choice was mine to weigh, to evaluate, to process.  Sometimes I made bad decisions, but even then I learned from it and owned it entirely.

I had a daily routine, regardless of the city or hostel.  Upon leaving wifi, I would start "Stay High" on Spotify up in my headphones, and feel my heartbeat speed up as I silently and ecstatically merged with the flow of the city, on my way to adventure.  It never got old.

I felt like I had trained my entire life for that experience.  Traveling, decision-making.  Analyzing the data available and making the best choice in that moment.  Calling audibles, disregarding norms, calmly and efficiently.  

It felt so pure, so clean.  Thrilling.

Looking back, I don't know anyone that would have kept up with me on that trip.  Maybe Vincent or Mark or Brian.  I was sleeping irregularly, eating irregular things irregularly.  There was a stretch where I didn't sleep in a prone position for three nights (two busses and a small couch).  There was a morning where I bought a package of unlabeled meat for my entire day's sustenance, unsure of when I would eat again.  I got to push all the limits I would be hesitant to suggest to anyone else.

Obviously this says a lot about me.  The thing is, I honestly didn't know how I would respond to traveling by myself, beforehand.  I've always traveled to see people I love, or see things with people I love.  Creating shared memories.  But that's the thing with traveling; you discover yourself.  I'm not going to go out of my way to be alone on future adventures, but I won't shy away from it either.